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Just Smile

Last week my head shut down. 

Last week I felt like a crap mum. 

Last week my stomach and my heart felt sick.

Last week I broke down.

I felt stupid and guilty. I hated that I let it all get on top of me. That I let the negative slip through the walls I put up and turn me into an anxious mess.

Last week autism won, but it won't again. 

I've never let myself get angry that Aiden has autism before. What's the point? It is what is is. It could be a whole lot worse and I'm really not into the whole woe is me. But last week I was angry. Angry that I was beating myself up for not being able to give him everything he needs. That I was focusing too much on autism and not on him.

You see, I think about autism all the time. I dream about autism. I follow people on snapchat who have kids with autism. And while I was wallowing in bed feeling like crap, I found out one crucial thing...

I'm not the only one battling it every single day and I won't be the last. 

This week I got out of bed and got dressed. I cleaned my house and cooked the dinner. I stopped trying to be this super fake mum. Feck her, she's annoying.

This week I was a regular mum. I blared music. I laughed and was silly. I made Aiden sensory boxes and decorated the house for Halloween.

Ryan is smiling and chatting away, which kind of makes up for him puking on me again. Aiden has learned that chairs lead to higher places, and like I thought he would, he fell off trying to get the jellies. We've also had to padlock the fridge because he keeps getting the coke. No joke. But this week he laughed and gave me lots of kisses, his way of telling me he is happy.

This week both my kids smiled and I realised that is enough. Yes, I will continue trying to get everything for Aiden, but I've also realised I'm not a miracle worker, an occupational therapist, a speech and language therapist or everything else I suddenly feel pressurized to be.

I'm just his mother. I want to be just his mother and I refuse to let autism take that away from me. 



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