Skip to main content

Just Smile

Last week my head shut down. 

Last week I felt like a crap mum. 

Last week my stomach and my heart felt sick.

Last week I broke down.

I felt stupid and guilty. I hated that I let it all get on top of me. That I let the negative slip through the walls I put up and turn me into an anxious mess.

Last week autism won, but it won't again. 

I've never let myself get angry that Aiden has autism before. What's the point? It is what is is. It could be a whole lot worse and I'm really not into the whole woe is me. But last week I was angry. Angry that I was beating myself up for not being able to give him everything he needs. That I was focusing too much on autism and not on him.

You see, I think about autism all the time. I dream about autism. I follow people on snapchat who have kids with autism. And while I was wallowing in bed feeling like crap, I found out one crucial thing...

I'm not the only one battling it every single day and I won't be the last. 






This week I got out of bed and got dressed. I cleaned my house and cooked the dinner. I stopped trying to be this super fake mum. Feck her, she's annoying.

This week I was a regular mum. I blared music. I laughed and was silly. I made Aiden sensory boxes and decorated the house for Halloween.




Ryan is smiling and chatting away, which kind of makes up for him puking on me again. Aiden has learned that chairs lead to higher places, and like I thought he would, he fell off trying to get the jellies. We've also had to padlock the fridge because he keeps getting the coke. No joke. But this week he laughed and gave me lots of kisses, his way of telling me he is happy.






This week both my kids smiled and I realised that is enough. Yes, I will continue trying to get everything for Aiden, but I've also realised I'm not a miracle worker, an occupational therapist, a speech and language therapist or everything else I suddenly feel pressurized to be.

I'm just his mother. I want to be just his mother and I refuse to let autism take that away from me. 

L



Comments

Popular posts from this blog

My son, Aiden

I have a son called Aiden.
I remember when he was born like it was yesterday. When I held him in my arms for the first time. I was so overwhelmed, all I could do was stare at him. I couldn’t believe I made such a beautiful little boy. That he came from me.
Watching him grow everyday was a blessing. Everything he did was special. His first smile, his first laugh… As he grew, a little personality began to shine through, one only he could have. Until Aiden came into my life, I didn’t know what love truly was. 

I used to get these emails; baby milestone ones. The ones that told you what your child should be doing every week. I read them and realised one day that Aiden wasn’t doing the things they were saying. While crawling and walking eventually came, he wasn’t talking. Babbling, sure, but no words. On Facebook, friends would post pictures or videos of their babies—younger than Aiden—chatting away. Doing things Aiden wouldn’t do.
I didn’t like comparing him to other children. But I felt like…

What's in my Hospital Bag

Hey everyone! Sorry about the lack of posts lately.
Let's just say third trimester of pregnancy hasn’t been very pleasant. I wasn’t feeling great for ages and put it down to lack of sleep because the baby is a nutter very active. Turns out I was anaemic and had an infection. I needed to go on a course of antibiotics, rest more and increase my intake of vitamins and iron-enriched foods. Basically, I needed to take a breather.
But, I’m since feeling better and baby is fine! 
I’ve been getting so many messages lately asking about baby things. When I started this blog, I did want to keep it open to posts like this, but not go overboard with it. But you’ve asked, so I shall deliver. If this helps anyone in any way, then it’ll be worth it.
My due date is fast approaching and I’ve less than a month to go before the baby arrives. He could come at any time now. One of the questions I got asked was what’s in my hospital bag. So, I’ll share via a blog post!
(Warning: Before we start I’m a mommy …